This is the lake I posted about the post before last. It has a long way to go to be beautified, but it will be beautiful again eventually. I love how one sculpture is still in place. If it weren’t for that sculpture, the space would be unrecognizable.
Divorce sucks.
That’s all I have to say today.
This afternoon I went to the house to pick up my mail and I drove by the beautiful pond I used to walk around. In it’s place was a big pit of mud being excavated, and lots of machinery. The path is gone, the sculptures have vanished, and it’s just full of murky, soggy dirt.
I have to admit, I was more than a little upset at it’s condition, that the beauty I had grown used to seeing there was gone. I was perplexed by what was happening to that area- mostly, I was worried it was being replaced by a new subdivision or a shopping center. So, I did a little research.
It turns out the beauty I appreciated had many problems lurking underneath. The liner of the pond was not in good condition. The city had been repairing it frequently for quite some time and finally decided that it just needed to be replaced so that a stronger, more durable structure would be in place. In order to make it beautiful for many years to come, it had to be torn up, messy and gross, and the bad stuff needed to be removed.
Now, a new liner needs to be installed, and the entire park will need to be re-landscaped in the spring. The process of putting it back together is going to take quite some time and be rather costly.
Wow! What a powerful, humbling metaphor God sent to me through that pond. I’m going through some ugly, dark times right now. I’m all torn up inside, but I have to get through this junk in order to be put back together and come out more beautiful. When it’s all said and done, my structure will be more sound, I’ll be able to hold up to the weather and other challenges that come my way. It’s not going to be easy, it’s not going to be quick, and a simple patch-job won’t do. I need to go through this “ugly” to get to the “beautiful” that’s to come.
I wish I had taken a picture of the park all torn up, but here’s a picture of what it looked like not all that long ago.
My metaphor doesn’t end there. There’s so much good stuff here, I can barely stand it, but I’ll save more for another time.
I am not at ALL sad to see 2011 go.
I’m ready for a new year and a new life!
May the Lord bless you as you begin your own 2012!
I had no idea what 2011 would be sending my way. I thought 2011 was sure to be the best year of my life- the year I became a mom. As I went through my daily activities, I became more and more aware that I was not doing well emotionally, as things at my job were getting more stressful by the day, and we were trying so hard to get pregnant, going to doctor appointments and lab appointments and taking medicines that made me crazy.
Maybe it wasn’t just the medicine that made me crazy. Perhaps it wasn’t the medicine at all. Maybe I was sensing the trouble that was brewing between my husband and me. Maybe deep, deep down I knew he was being unfaithful. I knew I was bothered by the hours spent on the computer ignoring me. I knew I was bothered by going to bed by myself almost every night. I knew I was bothered by the constant texting who-knows-who and his constant possession of the phone- needing to “check one more thing” before letting me touch it. But, the ignorant bliss I chose to live in told me that “My husband would never do that to me,” and “He doesn’t need as much sleep as I do,” and “He wants to make sure I don’t screw up his phone.” I believed that in God’s time, we would conceive. In God’s time, my husband would get bored of the constant computer and phone preoccupation and start to be more occupied with me. In God’s time, my job would not be as stressful, or something else would come along.
Now I realize that long before I knew my husband was being physically unfaithful, he was being emotionally unfaithful. I realize that God’s time is not my time. I realize I need to be patient and live each day serving with as much as I can muster, because life can change in a heartbeat.
In 2012, I have my eyes wide open and I am ready to make it the best year yet. I may not become a mom, I may not have a husband, but I am excited to see what God has in store for me and live for Him.
One of the things that is recommended pretty much everywhere I read about life after a divorce is that it is important to account for your losses and realize what it is you have really lost. I can come up with lots of things I have lost that are quite obvious, like my husband, my house, my in-laws, and so on.
One of the things that has been hardest for me to deal with is the loss of expected children. We were working hard on getting pregnant, and had been for quite a while. I had imagined what being a mother would be like, what our kids would look like, what it would be like to be among the “mom” demographic. Something I read even said to mourn for your unborn children. I feel that hope for a family is lost, at least for now. I pray that someday God will bless me with children. I know I’ve talked about this before, but it is really heavy on my heart.
Another loss I’ve been dealing with is sleep. I’ve been having such a hard time sleeping when I am supposed to sleep. Then I am tired during the day and will sometimes take a nap but that just makes it worse… It is one of the more frustrating things I’ve dealt with because before this I’ve never had issues with sleep. Now, I will often stay up and waste time online until I can barely keep my eyes open so that I’m not tossing and turning trying to fall asleep.
I guess that’s enough complaining for now. I need to find a way to be more positive in 2012.
I’m in Minnesota! Woot woot!
I really like Kansas City, don’t get me wrong. But there is nothing like being HOME. I stopped at my sister’s house first, and my two oldest nephews ran out in their socks to greet me at my car door. My heart melted into a puddle right beside the car door, a big pile of mush receiving their hugs.
After spending a little time at their place, I went to my nieces’ and nephews’ Christmas program. It was so cute to see them perform and praise God and it was especially awesome to see how excited they were that I was there.
After the program, I went to the farm for the first time today. The house is lined with Christmas lights, and one of the pine trees is all lit up; it’s extremely beautiful. After I was done taking in how great it looked, I began unloading my car. I was at the trunk of my car when I got that weird feeling that someone was watching me. I looked over toward the barn, and there was a steer, out of its pen, standing there, watching me from about 15 yards away. So I changed from my new high-high heeled booties to my slippers and tried to get close enough to take a picture of the steer and the lights together. Before I knew it, my dad was out there commanding me to chase the steer a certain direction. So here I am, in my church clothes, fuzzy blue slippers, cell phone camera in hand, no coat, chasing around a steer.
I’m in Minnesota; there’s no place like home.
If you can tell where the steer is, let me know. I tried, but it was dark and my flash isn’t that strong.
Well, Monday has come and gone. The divorce proceedings were quick. The day was tough, but, now it’s over. It’s not “really” over, there are still financial things that need to be dealt with. However, any hope of reconcilliation, any shred of our relationship I was holding on to is gone.
In a lot of ways, it’s a relief. No one has ever hurt me this deeply and permanently. The thought of any sort of reconciliation was daunting, and a task that I knew would be more difficulty and probably end in even worse heartache.
It’s a relief to know that door is closed and I can look at the new room in front of me and all the possibilities that lie ahead.
I believe in marriage. I believe that a Christ-centered marriage can thrive and be blessed. I’ve learned and continue to learn more about myself through this process and I know that one thing I cannot compromise on in a relationship is the ability of the man to be a spiritual leader.
I’m definitely not ready to get into another relationship or start dating. This is a time of restoration and healing for me. I don’t want my baggage to weigh down a future relationship. The time to deal with it is now.
But how? I wish that part was more clear to me.
It’s my last night as an officially married woman, barring any unforeseen circumstances tomorrow morning. I spent most of the day working on school stuff, getting ready for my sub tomorrow, and my students’ Christmas program was today. They did such a good job and made me so proud. I love love love my students.
I spent most of my evening making puppy chow and doing laundry.
I was just thinking about what the reverse of a bachelorette party would be. I guess doing work and laundry is pretty much it. Also, if anyone wants to make any further Mary Tyler Moore jokes, it’s now or never.
My heart is heavy. This hurts. I keep telling myself I won’t cry in the courtroom tomorrow. Deep breaths… But every time I tell myself that I start crying.
Thanks for your prayers, and please keep them coming. Tomorrow is only the beginning of a long process for me.
